The paradox of happiness
Since well before pants and shirts replaced togas, philosophers have been the main source of wisdom about happiness and the good life. A central tenet of this ancient wisdom is the “paradox of happiness”.
In essence, the paradox of happiness states that if you strive for happiness by direct means, you end up less happy than if you forget about happiness and focus on other goals. Ancient wisdom advises us not to pursue happiness directly.
But philosophers have a natural inclination for splitting hairs. As such, we would be failing our discipline if we did not point out that the paradox of happiness is not, in a strict sense, a paradox. It is an empirical irony. Normally valuable things are achieved by striving for them, but according to ancient wisdom, happiness bucks this trend.
Why does striving for happiness tend to result in unhappiness or disappointment? Many people frequently experience happiness, but both philosophers and psychologists note that we are so inept at pursuing it that if we do strive for it we fail, sometimes catastrophically, and end up far less happy than if we had never tried.
How ancient wisdom can help you to crave less
The philosophy of Stoicism is great for overcoming our natural desire to do and acquire more. Seneca, the Stoic philosopher who had first-hand experience with being wealthy, had a firm belief about the desire for more. He said:
“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.”
The idea is that true wealth means you’re good with life the way it is, no matter how many possessions you have, it will be enough.
But that’s a hard mindset to obtain because we’re all so restless. When we give in to our cravings, we only end up craving more.
The best way you can overcome this superficial way of life is to continuously work on your wants. You can’t stop yourself from being triggered by certain desires.
This is what the human mind does. When you see someone with a desirable career, your mind might downplay your own, and say, “Maybe you should change your job.” I became aware of the thought pattern and quickly stopped it by ignoring my thoughts.
The truth is that more things will not make you happier. In fact, I believe that anything beyond having enough can only destroy your happiness. That’s because chasing desires is an endless pit that can really harm you.
In the spirit of another Stoic, Epictetus, who said that “wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants,” let’s look at ways we can make sure we have few wants.
Create Your Own Independent Happiness
I want to create my own independent happiness, apart from other people, so I can connect with other people.
This paradox started to become clear to me as I reflected on a haunting passage from Bob Dylan’s strange, brilliant memoir, Chronicles: Volume One. He wrote:
“I looked at the menu, then I looked at my wife. The one thing about her that I always loved was that she was never one of those people who thinks that someone else is the answer to their happiness. Me or anybody else. She’s always had her own built-in happiness.”
It sort of makes sense to me, that you decide what you want to do that makes you happy (like what food to eat, what clothes to wear, what things to buy) and not rely solely based on the opinion of others.
This is what I’m striving for — to have my own “built-in happiness.” An emotional self-sufficiency. Not to depend on other people to boost me up, or to let them drag me down.
However, it’s true that ancient philosophers and modern scientists agree that a key — perhaps the key — to happiness is strong relationships. Other people matter to our happiness. If you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter, you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.” Having strong relationships lengthens life (even more than quitting smoking!) and cuts the risk of depression. Even a brief interaction with another person tends to boost your mood — this is true for introverts as well as extroverts.
And when we’re with other people, we affect each other’s happiness. We “catch” good moods and bad moods from each other (unfortunately, bad moods are more contagious than good moods). Married people are very affected by each other’s happiness; a thirty percent increase in one spouse’s happiness boosts the other spouse’s happiness, while a drop in one spouse’s happiness drags down the other.
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is
to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is
to be happy yourself.
What we vaguely call happiness, that feeling of joy and fulfillment, is something that only occasionally occurs. In any case, making the decision to be the best version of ourselves will make happiness come to us on its own.
