Silence
Silence can be a powerful thing. It has the ability to make us feel a multitude of emotions, from peace to discomfort. It can also be a source of great unease, as it can be a reminder of loss, regret or loneliness. In a world that is often filled with noise and distractions, it can be difficult to find the time and space to truly be with ourselves and listen to our own inner thoughts.
I find solace in the stillness, and feel as if our thoughts and feelings are being heard. I find peace in the fact that, even in the darkest moments, I am not alone. My mind is my playground. I like being in my thoughts, tinkering, plodding, playing to see what is in there.
It’s been a hard year. No, a long year. No, a bad year. No, a good year. Well, it is all of the above. 2022 is a veritable labyrinth of twists and turns, a constantly shifting landscape of the highs and the lows. It is a year filled with challenging and difficult events, situations, responsibilities that felt as though I am navigating a dense jungle, with vines and thorns snarling at every step. It is also a year filled with a variety of interesting, engaging, and rewarding experiences. Moments when the things turn out for the best and the air was filled with the sound of my own laughter. My friends’ laughter. I made a new friend. I found new comrades. I reconnected with an old friend. I wasn’t looking when I stumbled upon them. Unexpected friendships are the best. It is wonderful how a sense of nostalgia and memories, can help to reignite and strengthen the bonds of friendship. So thanks for having my back. 2022 was a year with a blur of activity, with too many thoughts to fill in one paragraph. I feel excitement, stress, pride, loved, exhaustion, gratitude, bittersweet, fulfilment. I feel, as it turns out, alive.
In the aftermath of this whirlwind of commitments and obligations. I have loved, and lost, but also gained myself back. Back from wasting my time on negativity. Back from trying to please everyone. Back from giving everyone my time, keeping none for myself. I fell in love in the silence of 4am mornings, where it is damn quiet in the house.
Early this year, I’ve fallen into this habit of keeping my mind distracted, busy, occupied. In fact, I’m always on my phone, browsing, searching, thinking. I let external stimuli pump endlessly into my head to drown my own thoughts. To validate my own needs, wants, wishes, desires.
Then, there was one day, without warning, where I felt totally drained. My energy and motivation completely sapped. It was a day that left me feeling defeated and disheartened, and I found myself very lost. So I sat in my car in silence — for three hours. When was the last time I did that? Nothing was solved and yet, it felt awesome. I settled into my chair and closed my eyes. My mind was shut off, my phone was shut off. In the silence, my thoughts slowed down and my mind quieted. I felt myself becoming more and more immersed in the silence, relishing the peace and the calm that it brought. I knew that I would always treasure these precious moments of solitude and contemplation.
“The worst day of your life so far”
This scene always gets me when I’m down. It reminds of amor fati — the love of one’s fate. To accept and even welcome the challenges that came your way, knowing that they would ultimately make me stronger and wiser.
I realized that this was the key to navigating the difficult path before me. By embracing amor fati, and using silence to rest your mind, to find a sense of peace and contentment, even in the midst of hardship. Approach the challenges with curiosity and openness, rather than fear or resignation.
This, too, shall pass. This quote can make a happy person sad, and a sad person happy.
However, the meaning is clear; Everything is temporary and fleeting. The bad things, the good things, our loves, our losses. Everytime we do something could be the last time we do it. I realised that there may be a few “last time” that I did this year, having large family gatherings, watching the sunset with my daughter, having a meal with a friend, bidding someone goodbye. Nothing is permanant, it’s something I’ve been trying to learn & grow from. It may be hard, but at least I know I was part of a small chapter in someone’s life that they cherished and loved.
By recognizing this, I am more invested in the things that I do. By knowing that these events cannot be repeated, it makes them more extraordinary. I am driven to do things with significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent, like a person sleepwalking through life. By accepting impermanence, is the only way to be truly alive.
Sitting in silence, letting these thoughts flow, I can find a sense of calm and clarity in the midst of chaos. It reminds me to listen all that life has to offer. This is the gift of silence.
